A little slice of…

Bread? Cake? Chocolate? Tell me god damn it what are you craving? 

I just want something and I can’t seem to figure it out. 

Pineapple? Cheese? Lasagne?

No. 

Ham? Onion?….

I give up. 

I’m just going to lay in bed til the feeling goes away. 

Baby is sleeping, house is quiet, for now.

I’m just rambling. What has my life become. It’s like every day is just a survival game. Getting through each phase of the test until the final dash to the pillow. And when my head hits the pillow I picture myself standing on a podium waving to the millions of people in the crowd. I did it. I made it through the day. The judge places a medal around my neck. But then suddenly I look to my right, and wait, theres someone else standing in first place. Her hair is perfectly trimmed and coloured, her nails are all the same length and she is wearing her perfectly breastfed baby in a sling on her hip. I look down and see my baby has just vomited all over my already dirty jumper. My hair is frizzier than if I had put my finger in a toaster and I’m wearing makeup from 3 days ago. What’s that smell? It’s poo that has exploded up my babies back while the perfectly smiley baby next to us rest her head gently on her perfectly perfect mothers breasts. 

Suddenly making it through the day doesn’t feel like it’s enough. I need to get up and hang the washing that’s been sitting in the washer for more than 24 hours. 

Na, that can wait. 

Goodnight. 

Losing friends

Do you ever get that feeling that the friends you have are only superficial. 

I have been going through some pretty upsetting dramas with these so called friends and I’ve come to realise that it is not important how many friends you have but the quality of the ones you have. 

My son is almost 5 months old and I have friends who have not met him, and haven’t really made any effort to even check in with me and ask how I am. 

It’s bizarre to me that they would not want to even meet him. Then again I am bias.

We invited all our friends to his baptism and most of them said no. 

I’m at the point where I am just over it. My family are so important to me and they care about me and Max. They can’t wait more than a couple of days to see us. That’s the kind of love you should surround yourself with. 

5 months my baby has been in this world. Not a single, “hey how u feeling?” Or “how’s Bub?”

Am I overreacting? 

Should I be the one texting them? 

I don’t know. But who needs the drama when you have a baby to look after, a house to clean, and a hubby to love. Not me. 

Struggle town

  
I’m writing to you from struggle town. 

Getting out of bed today was not easy. 

It’s past lunch time and I’ve done nothing. Watched some YouTube clips of vegan raw recipes (I’m not vegan) and ate left over tuna bake. I just had a shower and stood under the water aimlessly for about 30 min. 

For some reason I keep getting the urge to go back to bed. Resist I must. 

Hubby will be back from ‘dads group’ soon. He is productive. He is not failing at life today. 

That is all. 

Yikes

So I feel like I’m failing big time at this blog. It must happen all the time though. People make promises they can’t keep. Or does life just take over? 

Either way I will try harder.

Max is almost 5 months old now. And he is amazing, hard work, but amazing. Look at him! I made this?! 

  

Feeling motivated

I am definitely one of those people who find it difficult to get motivated. I easily find myself in a rut and struggle to dig myself out. I think it probably has to do with anxiety or maybe just my personality.

I go through phases of wanting change. Whether it is moving the furniture around or getting super organised, there’s always something to work on or change within myself.

I get all the usual urges… Lose weight, be healthier, watch less TV, disconnect from technology, read more, move more, be organised, be happier…

It’s like I’m always on a mission to upgrade my life. Like I’m never truly happy with myself. 

It seems strange thinking about how this sudden burst of motivation came upon me. I was sitting on the couch and hubby was asking if I could come and help him clean Max’s bottles. I hesitated at first but then joined him in the kitchen where the benches were stacked with dishes and dirty pots from 2 days ago. I guess I had planned on cleaning them “in the morning” but the morning turned into the night and then into the next day. This was beginning to become a familiar story. Anyway. I started cleaning the bottles and just couldn’t stop myself and before I knew it I had cleaned the entire kitchen. 

I know what you are thinking… If I were a normal functioning adult then this would not be a big deal? And you’re right. But there is something inside me that makes it hard to function sometimes, even on a basic level. I think having a baby to look after is only bringing out those traits in me more. 

After I finished I looked at my kitchen and a overwhelming sense of relief passed through me. It must be true that a clean and tidy home makes you feel better in yourself. I can’t deny it now, the feeling is setting in. The motivation is swelling inside me. 

Maybe I should vacuum the rug? And after that I can sort the huge pile of papers I’ve been meaning to do, and then there’s the thank you notes for all of Max’s presents….

Oh no, what have I awoken.

…meal planning, budgeting, spring cleaning, hanging pictures, changing sheets….

Yep, better get your pens and highlighters ready.

…mending, folding clothes, scrubbing skirting boards, working on my blog, starting an online business…

I’m not kidding.

…maybe I should start yoga again?

I think I need a life coach. Or a glass of wine. 

Max

I just love him so much. It’s not often I let him sleep on me but I couldn’t help myself today. I managed to catch the end of a smiley dream. These are such precious moments. 

Max is a hungry baby. He is drinking 180ml every 4-5 hours and seems to still be hungry at the end of the feed. Not sure whether to feed him more. He is only 2 months old and I’m scared of over feeding him. 

He seems to be growing really fast these last couple of weeks. He was in 0000 up until recently but it seems like he is already growing out of some of his 000 clothes. He will be in 00 before we know it.

He loves getting his nappy changed. It’s pretty much the happiest he gets. We love singing and chatting to him and we always get the cutest smiles. 

He likes baths but doesn’t really like getting out and being dried. I haven’t mustered the courage to shower with him yet. I’m scared he will hate it and and then we will be stuck nude and wet and upset. I might try when stu is home so I can hand ball the wet crying baby to him. 

He is starting to make talking like noises which are super cute. I can’t wait til he can talk to me and tell me all about his little universe. I think he will be very talkative when he wants to be and very quiet when he doesn’t. He seems like he will know what he wants and will not be afraid to let us know. 

I have this dream of when he is a teenager that he will be tall like his dad. I can imagine when he hugs me I’ll get lost in his chest. I always pictured myself with sons. I want to raise him to be a hard worker, a gentlemen who is kind and honest. I want him to treat women like queens and to always open a door for a stranger. 

He is so handsome already and we have to pinch ourselves every day. We are so lucky.

 

Trip to the park

 
 

This was little Maxi’s very first trip to the park near our house, it was such a beautiful day as the leaves were turning and starting to fall. I love the colours of autumn, although they remind me of how temporary and fragile life is. The budding leaf is nourished and grows only to eventually shrink, fall and crumble. 

It makes me so excited to know that he will grow and change but sad as well. The inevitability of time passing is kind of scary. I can only hope I will be around to see it. I want to see the cycle of life, like the trees each year. I really hope I am lucky enough to grow old with my husband, and live to see my grandchildren and even great grandchildren. 

It also makes me sad to know my parents won’t be around forever. And that there will be a day where I will have to explain death to Max. I hope that day doesn’t come too soon. 

 

This photo cracks me up. He looks like a grumpy old man. 

Anyway, I can hear him in the other room calling for me… Better see if he’s ok. 

Sick baby, sick mumma, sick daddy

There’s something oddly special about the first time you are sick the same time as your baby and your husband. There is a kind of sweetness in the cuddles and sniffly noses we are all sharing together.

It is the first time I have felt like a real parent, you know, more than just the lady in charge of feeding and changing the baby.

There are such strong memories I hold dear to my heart of when I was little and my parents would look after me and nurse me to sleep. Brushing my hair back with their hands that smelt like them. Feeding me lemonade and butter menthols when I had a sore throat. I wish and hope that my babies have those memories of me too.

Max is still so tiny. It’s hard to believe how strong he is already and how his tiny body can fight off all the bad stuff in this big bad world. It is a constant reminder of how delicate and extraordinary life is.

I just loved this moment in time, regardless of how I felt. My two loves, sleeping by my side. My little family battling on together.

Sleep…what’s that?

Max had a sleep over at Nanny and Poppy’s last night. Hubby and I went to bed at like 7.30pm. It was fabulous. Our first big night of sleep in 8 weeks.

“They” tell you that when you have kids sleep is never the same again. “They” were right. Don’t get me wrong, we do sleep but it’s always broken up by a screeching baby or by restlessness. Gone are the days of sleeping in or not getting up until you are starving or need to pee.  Max still wakes 1-2 times a night and is still getting used to sleeping during the day. I am finding it tricky to stick to a routine during the day with all the appointments and housework to keep on top of. It’s not easy when baby just wants to be held and comforted. I know it will happen eventually. I guess I am just trying to enjoy these moments while he is still so little.